Free Laugh - Men

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: Why do only l0% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty ; we iron -- they wrinkle.

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do so much better. :)

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.

Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: woman to show him how to work it.

Q: What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A: Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?
A: So men can understand them.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Free Laugh - Benefits of Being Female

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.

We don't have to get our strength up between sessions . . . and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous . . . they look like complete fools in ours.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

Free Laugh - Best Pickup Line Comebacks

"I know how to please a woman.""Then please leave me alone."

"I want to give myself to you.""Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

"Your hair color is fabulous.""Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drugstore."

"You look like a dream.""Go back to sleep."

"I can tell that you want me.""Yes, I want you to leave."

"Hey, baby, what's your sign?""Stop."

"I'd go through anything for you.""Let's start with your bank account."

"May I have the last dance?""You've just had it."

"Your place or mine?""Both. You go to your place and I'll go to mine."

"Your body is like a temple.""Sorry, there are no services today."

"Is this seat empty?""Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

"What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?""What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?"

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?""Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Free Laugh - Broads Hate That

After divorce, men realize that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.

Alimony: bounty after the mutiny.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull before.

The difference between a circus and a singles bar is - at the circus, the clowns don't try to talk to you.

Divorce: The past tense of marriage.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Do you know why women don't blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Don't marry for money; it's cheaper to borrow it.

Don't think that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him.

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade.

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Free Laugh - You wear pants....

He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear pants don't you?

He said, "Since I first met you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly."She said, "Well, you succeeded."

Him: "What do you think of this talk of scientists crossing a man with a pig?"
Her: "They're a little late!"

Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

I divorced my husband for religious reasons. He thought he was God...I didn't!

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving!

If you want to end relationships just say, "I want to marry you so we can live together forever." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

I'm happily married - but my wife isn't.

It's like magic. When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Free Laugh - Pack your bags!

A woman ran into her house and shouted, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery.""That's great!" he replied. "Should I pack for the ocean or for the mountains?""I don't care," she said. "Just get the hell out.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

Women were born without a sense of humor, so they could love men and not laugh at them.

Woman to couple at a party: "So what have you been doing with yourselves now that the kids are in college?"Wife: "Well, we did find we had a lot more time on our hands."Husband: "So we've been spending all of it on our divorce."

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.

Free Laugh - The ex...

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Take an interest in your husband's hobbies; hire a private detective.

Take your troubles like a man; blame them on a woman.

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.

Very few trial separations don't work.

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.

We both have the same problem...you!

We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.

What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how much they must hate to work for a living.

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?Because they are tired of using their own.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

Free Laugh - Elizabeth?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

One woman to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Other woman, "Yes, I married the wrong man..."

Post-Divorce greeting card - Front: "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...", Inside: "...that you're not here to ruin things for me."

Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

She's waiting for the right man to come along, but in the meantime she's keeping in practice with the wrong ones.

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

The prominent pillar of the community was reading his morning paper in the den and called out to his wife, "Elizabeth, did you read the gossip column today? Absolutely ridiculous! It says you left me. Elizabeth? Elizabeth???"

Free Laugh - A Post From Princess...

Marriage is a major commitment, and is best contemplated by those who should be
committed.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Men are like copy machines - about the only thing they're good for is reproduction.

Men are like mascara - they run at the first sign of emotion.

My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is my wife's real personality.

My husband said if I went shopping again, he'd leave me. WHY didn't somebody tell me it
was that easy!?!

My next husband will be normal.

My next husband will be normal - one weird person in a marriage is enough!

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Never date a woman whose father calls her 'Princess.' Chances are she believes it.

Free Laugh - Aaahhh Relationships....

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and married.

It isn't whether you win or lose; but how you place the blame.

It's called foreplay because it's supposed to last at least four minutes!

I've been married so long that I almost feel like I was born in captivity.

I've had fun before...this isn't it.

Just how many toads do I have to kiss?

Let us give some thought to the Pilgrim mothers, for they not only had to endure everything

the Pilgrim fathers endured, but also had to endure the Pilgrim fathers.

Living with a saint is more grueling than being one.

Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.

Marriage counselor to clients: "I don't often say this to my counseling clients, but it has

become clear to me that the two of you should NOT be married...to ANYONE...EVER!"

Marriage has made me what I am today - happily divorced!

Free Laugh - Some thoughts to Ponder

Free Laugh - Insanity...

I know how to push all my wife's buttons...now if I could only find the one marked OFF!

I love you more today than yesterday -yesterday you really got on my nerves!

I never even believed in divorce until after I got married.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'd like to live life in the fast lane but I'm married to a speed bump.

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

If Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy; If Daddy ain't happy, who cares.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married and another list of the reasons

for their divorce, you'd have a lot of overlapping!

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Insanity: grounds for divorce in some states, grounds for marriage in all.

Free Laugh - You're a Jerk!

Free Laugh - Divorced Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00". "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95"? Dad asked surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

Marriage is great, but I wouldn't recommend it to single people.

Free Laugh - Bigamy

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

She was a great housekeeper, too. When we divorced, she kept the house.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time -- did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked. "Oh, no, not divorce," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce."

Why do married men gain weight while single men don't? A single man goes to the refrigerator, sees nothing that he wants, and goes to bed. A married man goes to bed, sees nothing he wants, and goes to the refrigerator.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.... It only seems longer.

Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Free Laugh - Alimony

Alimony, a Latin term for removing a man's wallet through his genitals.

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I still miss my ex-wife....but my aim is getting better.

Free Laugh - The Leading Cause of Divorce

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

I think - therefore I'm single.

I never married because there was no need. I have 3 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.

My wife ran off with my best friend and I really miss him.

Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to!

Statistics show that married men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die.

I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage, the leading cause of divorce.

Free Laugh - I was a Fool...

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice".

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied "A billionaire."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix,. they cause a lot of pain and suffering, but after it's removed you find you didn't need it anyway!

Whenever I date a guy I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Free Laugh - Married the Wrong Man

Divorce is like passing a kidney stone. It hurts like hell, takes what seems forever to pass, results in an enormous bill, and men will always think they have something great to show for it when they get to keep the worthless stone.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.

What did the co-dependent wife say to her husband when she woke up in the morning? How am I going to feel today?

One woman says to another, "Isn't your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replies, "Why, yes, it is. I married the wrong man"!

Free Laugh - Sleeping with the Enemy

Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to exercise daily, have a much better diet stop drinking, smoking. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.Now I want a divorce, because I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough or me.

Marriage is the only war which you sleep with the enemy.

The definition of alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

A woman sits down next to an attractive man on a bus. She says "you look just like my 4th husband". The man replies, "Your FOURTH husband, how many times have you been married?" "Three" the woman replies.

Marriage is a great institution, but only if you like being institutionalized.

Free Laugh - Marriage....

Marriage is like a cold; you come down with one; you get better; and you hope you never get another.

Ex-es, Can't live with them, can't leave the court house with them.

"Congratulations, my boy!" said the uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," the groom protested. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's what I mean."

The only difference between marriage and prison is that at least prisoners occasionally get to finish a sentence.

I didn't get married until I was 37. By then I had done all the things I wanted to do, seen all the things I wanted to see, been to all the places I wished to visit. But I didn't know what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late!

The difference between Saddam Hussein & your Ex? By comparison, Saddam's demands are very, very fair!

Free Laugh - The Last Word

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

A 98 year old man and a 95 year old woman went to a lawyer to get a divorce."How long have you been married?" he asked. "75 rough and rocky years," they said. "Then, why have you waited so long to file for divorce?" They replied, "We had to wait for the kids to die!"

"I bought my ex a gift for her birthday, but she didn't use it so I'm not going to get her another." "What did you get her?" " A cemetary plot!"

Make love, not war. --Hell, do both, get married!

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? - She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Free Laugh - Marriage - The Institution

"Marriage" Requires commitment to an institution - see "insanity".

The happiest time in a man's life is that period of time between his first and second marriage. The problem is ... he doesn't realize it, until the second marriage!

"I Will" is the shortest sentence in the english language..."I Do" is the longest.

The secret to successful investing for retirement is to keep your first wife!!!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Free Laugh - Daily Dose of Humor

A man tells his wife of 15 years that it feels like they've only been married for 5 minutes the wife says thats so sweet and he says yeah 5 minutes under water.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog - you know he'll shut up when he comes in.

A cop tries to pull over a guy for speeding who tries to outrun him. Finally the guy gives up and pulls over. The now PO'd cop walks up and yells at the guy, "What's the big idea?" The guy responds, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!" "Off you go," said the officer.

"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't".

Free Laugh - Don't Eat the Cake!

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Free Laugh - Bits of Wisdom

Everytime I find Mr Right my husband scares him away.

The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one.

Marriage is a strange phenomenon that happens to human beings. And the best part is, both the unmarried and the married are unhappy, though for radically opposite reasons, one for not being married, and the other for being married.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.

The secret of a successful marriage is incompatability. He has the income, you have the patability.

When a husband's words are sharp, it may be from trying to get them in edgeways.

My ex was a heart surgeon. She ripped my heart out.

If Love is Blind and Marriage is an Institution, then Marriage is an Institution for the Blind.

The difference between a girlfriend and a wife is about 100 pounds.

Marriage, five minutes to get in and a lifetime to get out of.

Free Laugh - Marriage Humor

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder?
All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come f orward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
How very true! Harry Nelson
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my young, beautiful, sexy wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy! What do you think I should do?"
Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Free Laugh - Second Child

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

Free Laugh - What Language!

A friend of mine was having a bit of marital tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it.

In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives." My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"