Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Free Laugh - Thoughts from Men...

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Free Laugh - You Had to Ask...

WIFE: "If I died would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With hurtful look)

HUSBAND: (loud groan)

WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

Monday, December 29, 2008

Free Laugh - PMS - need I say more?

Everyone knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Free Laugh - Set Them Free

If you love someone, set them free.
If they return to you, then they will be yours for all of eternity.
If they do not return, then it was never meant to be.

(alternate version)
If you love someone set them free.
If they don't come back - hunt them down and shoot them.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Free Laugh - Who Wears the Pants

Mike was getting married so his father said, "On my wedding night I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try these on.'"She said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."So on his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to his bride, "Here try these on."She said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Don't ever forget that."Then his bride took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here you try on mine."Seeing how small they were he said, "I can't get into your pants."She said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Friday, December 26, 2008

Free Laugh - How to Get Rid of Blind Dates

  • Guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone who reaches for it.
  • Repeat every third third word you say say.
  • Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
  • Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
  • Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
  • Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
  • Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
  • Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
  • Ask your date how much money they have with them.
  • Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
  • Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
  • Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, etc.
  • Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate.
  • Go to the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Explain that they just need airing out.
  • If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
  • Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
  • Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. Then insist that he taste a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Free Laugh - Men Are Like...

... Blenders.You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars.Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee.The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials.You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers.Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers.Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Curling Irons.They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
... Government Bonds.They take way too long to mature.
... Horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Parking Spots.The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
... Popcorn.They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Weather.Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Free Laugh - Sex at 7pm

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Free Laugh - Why Men Aren't Secretaries

Husband's note on the refrigerator to his wife:"Doctor's office called: Said Pabst beer is normal"

Monday, December 22, 2008

Free Laugh - Understanding Men

Translated: "There is no rational thought patternconnected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditionedresponse.

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is areal babe."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuumcleaner."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

Translated: "The girl selling them on the cornerwas a real babe."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, butwill bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what youjust said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me,and realize it could be worse."

Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one moreoutfit, I'm starving."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Free Laugh - The Funeral Director

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," said his wife.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Free Laugh - Holiday Celebration Tips

Check out this great Holiday Celebration Tips list from another blogger...

Free Laugh - Out of my Mind

A doctor said to his patient's husband, "I'm sorry to inform you, but your wife's mind is completely gone.""I'm not surprised. She's been giving me a piece of it every day for the past seventeen years."

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Free Laugh - A Woman's Vocabulary

Keywords and Meanings (as taken from an interview with a woman)

This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use 'Fine' to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of thosearguments.

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the fiveminutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a womangetting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you inabout "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

This is not actually a word, but is still often averbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "SoftSighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will staycontent.

This word followed by any statement is trouble.Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

This is one of the most dangerous statements that awoman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman isgiving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell thetruth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That'sOkay".

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

This is much different than "Thanks". A woman willsay, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "LoudSigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Free Laugh - Mood Rings

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.