Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
I see the countless
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
Monday, December 14, 2009
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered
* * * * *
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
* * * * *
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
* * * * *
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
* * * * *
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
* * * * *
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
* * * * *
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
* * * * *
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
* * * * *
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
* * * * *
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Saturday, December 12, 2009
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. we're impressed. We have $100,000 tractors and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural Georgia waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. We fry our fish after catchin' 'em. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday before Thanksgiving.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order country ham or fried chicken or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce and ketchup. Oh, yeah, we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat.... it ain't really chili!!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football is as important here as pro ball, and a dang site more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards-- it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thymp noise ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1).
20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard -- it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case scenario you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.
GOD BLESS YA'LL NOW YA HEAR!
Friday, December 11, 2009
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it
W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you."
Thursday, December 10, 2009
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too...'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.
He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled As he patted my hand and said,
'She doesn't know me, But I still know who she is.'
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
May Your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n Gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious.
May your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner...stay off of your thighs!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six..'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an and wanted a pain killer.. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked : 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling
him. He replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a . His dad read : 'The man named Lot was warned to
take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon . . . . .'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust . . . ' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Monday, November 23, 2009
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I will inherit $20 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Bichon Frise is a small, sturdy, little dog. When the dog is clipped in a show cut the body gives off a round appearance. The skull is slightly rounded. The muzzle is shorter than the skull, is not pointed, with a slightly pronounced stop. The round eyes are black or dark brown. The ears are dropped covered in long hair. The teeth should meet in a scissors bite. The legs are straight and medium boned. Dewclaws are usually removed. The tail is carried over the back. The double coat is soft to the touch. The outer coat is 3 to 4 inches (7-10cm.) long and is coarser and curlier than the soft dense undercoat. Coat colors include solid white, cream, gray or apricot. White is preferred in the show ring. The coat is hypo-allergenic. Pet owners usually clip the dog in an easy care puppy cut that is the same length all over the body. The dog can be shown with it's coat clipped like a poodle or with a long, puffy coat with the feet and muzzle clipped.
The Bichon is a fluffy, little white dog that loves human company. It has an independent spirit, is intelligent, affectionate, bold and lively. This charming, gentle dog is not a yapper. It has a self-assured, happy temperament that is easy to live with. These bright little dogs are easy to train and just plain old love everyone. They need people to be happy. They are naturally sociable and are happiest when they are part of a family that takes them everywhere. This sociable trait also means that they are fine in the company of other dogs & pets and are excellent with children. Used as watchdogs and to perform tricks, this breed is competitive and obedient. Like a lot of smaller breeds, the Bichon may be difficult to housebreak. The Bichon Frise needs rules to follow, and limits to what they are and are not allowed to do. They also need a daily pack walk. Do not allow this little dog to develop Small Dog Syndrome, a human induced behavior, where the dog feels he is pack leader to humans. This can cause varying degrees of a wide variety of behavior problems. Including, but not limited to, obsessive barking, guarding, separation anxiety, snapping, and even biting. These are not Bichon traits, but rather behaviors brought on by the way the dog is treated. If you begin to be your dogs pack leader, and are self assured, calm consistently and assertive towards the dog, providing daily pack walks, the Bichon will be a very stable minded, trustworthy dog.
The Pekingese is a small, well-balanced, compact dog. It has a stocky, muscular body that is slightly longer than it is tall. The head is large in proportion to the rest of the body, with the top of the head being massive, broad and flat. The front of the face is flat. The muzzle is broad and flat, thicker below the eyes separating the upper and lower areas of the face. The skin on the muzzle is black. The black nose is broad and short. Teeth meet in an under bite with a broad jaw bone. The large, prominent, round eyes are set wide apart with black eye rims. The ears are set on the front corners of the top of the skull, are heart-shaped, laying flat against the head. They are well feathered so that they appear to blend with the head giving it a rectangular look. The neck is short and thick. The legs are short, thick and heavy-boned. The tail is high-set, slightly arched and carried over the back. The outer coat is long and coarse in texture with profuse feathering. The undercoat is soft and thick. The coat comes in all colors, sometimes with a black mask.
Pekingese are very brave little dogs, sensitive, independent and extremely affectionate with their master. These adorable dogs can make wonderful companions. If overfed, the Pekingese will quickly become overweight. This breed makes a good watchdog. The Pekingese may be difficult to housebreak. Do not allow this dog to develop Small Dog Syndrome, human induced behaviors, where the dog believes he is pack leader to humans. This can cause varying degrees of negative behaviors, including, but not limited to obstinate, self-willed, jealousy, separation anxiety, guarding, growling, snapping, biting, and obsessive barking as the dog tries to tell YOU what to do. They can become wary of strangers, and may become untrustworthy with children and even adults. If you feed them table scraps, they have been known to refuse to eat, as much to show dominance over its owner, as to lack of appetite. They can become dog aggressive and courageous to the point of foolhardiness as they try and take over. These are NOT Pekingese traits. They are behaviors resulting from humans allowing them to take over the home. If a Pekingese is given rules to follow, limits to what they are and are not allowed to do, along with a daily pack walk to relieve their mental and physical energy, they will display a totally different, more appealing temperament. It is not fair to leave such a heavy weight on such a small dog, where he feels he has to keep HIS humans in line. As soon as you start showing your Peke you are able to be HIS strong, stable minded pack leader, he can relax and be the wonderful little dog that he is.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy none in your bag, and you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask, and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or...." And can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the Neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
Thursday, October 1, 2009
That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?
I have drafted the enclosed E-mail rejection letter and invite you to use it the next time you need to put your main squeeze on waivers. The text of the letter follows. Hope it comes in handy.
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.
___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.
___ The fact that you attended the University of Miami and/or root for the Miami Hurricanes demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
___ As a practice I do not normally discriminate against single mothers, and although I understand the youngster was named for her father, I do not think "Sturgis, South Dakota" is an appropriate name for a little girl.
___ Your revelation that you, a 30-year-old, had dated your previous boyfriend, an alcoholic, for 16 years raised some serious questions about your mental state.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Your Name (Optional)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Sunday, September 27, 2009
"Don't Panic," cried Casey heroically. "I'll land this baby!"
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at Dublin Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground.
Just as the wheels touched the ground, Sullivan screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"
Immediately Casey threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Sullivan, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."
Saturday, September 26, 2009
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and smacked her out of her chair........
Friday, September 25, 2009
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him. 'You gonna try again.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are me testicles black?"
Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are me testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the sheets
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around; she examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.
She reassuringly tells Sullivan, "Sir, there's nothing wrong with them."
With great difficulty and pain, Sullivan slowly reaches up and pulls off his oxygen mask. With an unusually contented smile, he says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen to me very, very closely."
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed..
2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6... Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . .. . . . . . . .
Read more of Sylvia's funny comments...
Someone was watching over this little girl.
Watch the video!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have Ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson .. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, Age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots - And comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the Ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to Make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off Eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I Like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, Really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always Crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got Pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give You a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they Have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my Willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go Down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went . She fell off when she was Going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up Her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) -The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I Don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Before you buy a domain, think about how it looks on the web. And if you want to know why, check out these web administrators that learned the hard way (or perhaps it’s a sense of humor on display?)
Is this Cumbria Storage Systems or something that’s entirely different?http://www.cumstore.co.uk/
Why just limit your target market to scaffolding when there are other target market opportunities out there?
Ok, penisland might take the trophy for the most dubious of choices (Pen Island)
Are we giving gifts or what around here? (Who Represents)
Now most people wouldn’t own up to doing this in their swimsuits. (Speed of Art)
‘Xcuse me, but was that a rapist you’re looking for? (Therapist Finder)
Way, way, way too much information, thanks…
Never hurts so spell something out on paper and have others take a second look!
Thanks goes out to Fiona for this post:
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Thought that was funny...read more:
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...........they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell . .. . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with
20 guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
Whoever said history was boring ! ! !
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
"Thank you!" said the mother as she got out of the car and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the mother closed the door she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Dr Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Irving , Fetch!"
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house , a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch." (yiddish for complain / gripe)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2.. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
=0 A"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21.. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
Friday, September 4, 2009
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.