Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Free Laugh - Redneck Humor

Three rednecks were working up on a Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Donnie says, 'Well, nuts, someone should go and tell his wife.'Ronnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Donnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Ronnie?''Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Ronnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."She said,'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Free Humor - 235 Reasons You Might Be a Redneck...

1. You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

2. You ever cut your grass and found a car.

3. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

4. You think the stock market has a fence around it.

5. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.

6. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

7. You own a homemade fur coat.

8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath"

11. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

12. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

13. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

14. Birds are attracted to your beard.

15. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

16. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

17. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

18. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

19. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos"

20. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

21. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

22. You clean your fingernails with a stick.

23. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

24. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

25. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

26. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

27. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

28. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

29. There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.

30. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

31. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

32. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

33. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

34. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

35. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

36. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

37. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

38. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

39. You’re considered an expert on worm beds.

40. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell"

41. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

42. You've ever bought a used cap.

43. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

44. You pick your teeth….. from a catalog.

45. You've ever financed a tattoo.

46. You've ever stolen toilet paper.

47. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

48. People hear your car a long time before they see it.

49. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

50. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

51. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

52. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

53. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

54. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

55. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

56. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

57. You have ever used lard in bed.

58. You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.

59. You have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.

60. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

61. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

62. The primary color of your car is Bondo.

63. Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road"

64. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

65. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

66. You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

67. Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.

68. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

69. You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.

70. You consider the fifth grade your senior year.

71. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that doesn’t run).

72. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

73. You have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.

74. You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.

75. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

76. Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

77. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.

78. Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

79. You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

80. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

81. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

82. The main course at potluck dinners is road kill.

83. Your other truck is made by John Deere.

84. You think suspenders are a type of shirt.

85. Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

86. You keep a spit cup on the ironing board.

87. You ever got too drunk to fish.

88. More than one living relative is named after a civil war general.

89. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

90. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

91. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

92. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

93. Fewer than half of your cars run.

94. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

95. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

96. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue to walk by.

97. Your family tree doesn't have any branches.

98. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

99. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

100. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

101. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

102. The only condiment on your dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

103. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

104. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

105. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

106. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

107. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute"

108. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

109. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

110. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

111. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

112. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

113. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

114. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"

115. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

116. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

117. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

118. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

119. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

120. You've ever used a weed eater indoors.

121. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

122. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

123. You've ever financed a tattoo.

124. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

125. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

126. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

127. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

128. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

129. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

130. You have to scratch your sister’s name out of the message: "for a good time call . . .”, because you feel guilty about putting it there.

131. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

132. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

133. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

134. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."

135. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

136. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shit and thermal underwear.

137. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

138. You think the mountain men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood"

139. You've ever made change in the offering plate.

140. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

141. You own at least 20 baseball hats.

142. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

143. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

144. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

145. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn"

146. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

147. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.

148. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

149. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind"

150. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

151. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

152. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

153. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

154. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

155. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

156. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

157. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

158. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it"

159. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

160. When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

161. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

162. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"

163. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.

164. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

165. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)

166. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

167. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

168. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

169. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

170. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

171. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

172. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

173. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

174. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

175. The theme song at your high school prom was “Friends in Low Places” 176. Its Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

177. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

178. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

179. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

180. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

181. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

182. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house.

183. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.

184. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle. 185. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart ‘cause there’s a law against it.

186. Ya celebrate Groundhog Day (cause ya believe in it!!)

187. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

188. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

189. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

190. If you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

191. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

192. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

193. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

194. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

195. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You"

196. You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.

197. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

198. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

199. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it) 200. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

201. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

202. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

203. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

204. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

205. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

206. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible"

207. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

208. You're a “light” beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

209. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

210. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!”

211. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

212. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?”

213. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

214. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines"

215. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers”

216. Your wife's best pair of shoes is steel-toed Red Wings.

217. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

218. You bring your dog to work with you.

219. You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.

220. You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it.

221. Your family's No. 1 enemy is revenuers.

222. Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.

223. You use lava soap more than three times a day.

224. You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

225. You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

226. You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.

227. You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.

228. You can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.

229. Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.

230. You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.

231. You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.

232. You've ever fed your date french fries in a Denny's.

233. Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.

234. Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.

235. You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Free Laugh - Irish Humor

These are genuine clips from Dublin City Council complaint letters - so read and enjoy how others put their thoughts into words …

1. Its the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof... I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

4. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

8. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

9. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

10. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces...

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

15. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

16. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Free Laugh - If Your Dog Could Talk...

10 Peeves That Dogs Have About Humans
(Dare I Say Pet Peeves)

1) Blaming your farts on me.....Not funny... Not funny at all !!!

2) Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

3) Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4) Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5) Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6) The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7) Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8) Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9) Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10) How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Free Laugh - Irish Humor

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer
came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now I ask you, Your Honour, what the Hell would you have said?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Free Laugh - Irish Humor

Murphy owned a small farm in the County Galway. The Irish Labor Board got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to speak to him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.. "Well," replied Murphy, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 1000 Euro a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 800 Euro a week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 Euro a week and pays his own room and board. But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied Murphy.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Free Laugh - Two Women in Heaven

Two ladies were talking in Heaven.
1st woman: Hi Wanda

2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Thoughts for the Day - Poem of Faith - You must not quit...

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudgin seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint on the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Monday, January 4, 2010