Monday, August 31, 2009

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Free Laugh - Idiots

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, NO, it's not. Four is larger than two... We haven't used Sears repair since.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, You gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, That's why we ask.

The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blind people doing driving?
--She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .

I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, This is fun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights" stare.
--This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
--A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey I announced to the technician, it's open! His reply, I know. I already got in that side.
--This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS ...

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car , as my car was shipped from Hawaii. I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge ." He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

They walk among us...
and they VOTE...
and they REPRODUCE...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Free Laugh - The Good Grandpa

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here... Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive your grandson got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his Grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- this little bastard's name is Steve."

Friday, August 28, 2009

Free Laugh - Proofreading is a dying art...

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing, lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Free Laugh - Why I Order Publix Cakes...

This cake from Walmart was ordered for someone who was moving...

It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture.

Keep in mind this actually happened.

This is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: 'Hello, dis' be Walmarts, how kai hep you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Walmart Employee: 'What you want on da cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne'and underneath that'We will miss you'

You Can't Fix STUPID!

Thoughts for the Day - 10 Things to Do Every Day

Gotta love this...I found this after doing several posts with lists of "Things to Live By"...Enjoy! (Disclaimer: do not try this at home! lol)
  1. Wake Up Early

    Set your alarm for around two in the morning; you’ll get more work done when there’s no one up to get in your way. Reward yourself with a quick bump of crystal meth to get you going.

  2. Make a List

    If you followed step one you should be able to finish up by seven or eight o’clock.

  3. Stop and Smell the Roses

    But only the ones with prime numbered petals.

  4. Do Something Nice for Another Person

    Or not.

  5. Read

    You have already completed this requirement by reaching this far down the list.

  6. Watch the Sun Set

    Sunset is a much better time to watch the sun than High Noon. Conscious awareness of the approaching evening will remind you that there are only five hours until you get up tomorrow morning.

  7. Exercise

    Beating mimes is a great way to work cardio and upper body strength. Don’t forget to kick them while they’re down to get at your quads.

  8. Eat Right

    Don’t eat McDonald’s more than once a week; instead, be sure to mix up the restaurants you visit. Remember to eat Burger King, Taco Bell, and Arby’s in order to get a well balanced diet. Also donuts.

  9. Laugh

    Do it. Or a kitten dies.

  10. Meditate/Contemplate the Day

    In whatever way best suits you, take a moment to reflect on your life experience in order to absorb and appreciate the gift that has been bestowed upon you. Be it through a hot bath, an evening puff on the ol’ tobacco pipe, or listening to the screams from your basement waft and mingle with the scents of hot apple pie, any way you choose to honor your day is just fine.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Thoughts for the Day - 12 Things to Live By

1. In life just don't trust people who change their feelings with times...
Instead trust those people whose feelings remain the same, even when the time changes...

2. We make them cry who cares for us. And we care for those who will never cry for us.
This is the truth of life, its strange but true. Once you realize this, its never too late to change.

3. Never explain yourself to anyone. Because the person who likes you doesn't need it and the person who dislikes you won't believe it.

4. Don't let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in their life...
Relationships work only when the are balanced.

5. Don't write you name in sand, waves well wash it away. Don't write you name in sky, wind may blow it a way. Write you name in hearts of people you come in touch with. That's where it will stay.

6. Whatever you give to life, it gives you back. Do not hate anybody. The hatred which comes out from you will someday comeback to you. Love others, and love will comeback to you.

7. For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It is about your outlook toward life. You can either regret or rejoice.

8. The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you , it's when you don't understand yourself.

9. Arrow goes forward only after pulling in the backward. Bullet goes forward only after pressing the trigger backward. Every human being well get happy only after facing the difficulties in their life path... So do not afraid to face you difficulties. They will push you forward .

10. Remember you are born to live. Don't live because you are born!
Don't go the way life takes you... Take life the way you go!!

11. What we are today is result of our own past actions;
Whatever we wish to be in future depends on our present actions;
Decide how you have to act now. We are responsible for what we are, whatever we wish ourselves to be, We have the power to make ourselves.

12. Those who anger you, control you. Let it go.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Thoughts for the Day - 84 Things to Live By

1. Forgive your parents
2. Pay off debt
3. Lose your image
4. Think critically
5. Find the silver lining
6. Make friends with children, old people and animals
7. Don’t watch the news
8. Explore outside your comfort zone
9. Try new foods
10. Invest your money
11. Get rid of clutter
12. Read the ingredients list
13. Don’t believe information you’re given when someone or something is trying to sell you something
14. Don’t grocery shop hungry
15. Lose toxic friends
16. Do yoga
17. Never stop learning
18. Get a hobby
19. Don’t buy publications that have celebrity headlines
20. Thank your parents
21. Buy used
22. Don’t buy into the housing hype
23. Learn to differentiate between needs & wants
24. Ignore socialization
25. Time does not equal dedication
26. Things are not love
27. Stop trying to change your lover
28. Learn from your AND others mistakes
29. Listen more
30. Exercise
31. Find a life outside of your children
32. Stay out of direct sunlight
33. Buy your size, not the one you want to be
34. Identify government propaganda or research it yourself
35. Get a library card
36. Don’t waste food
37. Be honest
38. Don’t let anyone intimidate you; everybody has something on either side of the bell curve
39. Let children struggle so they can grow their own wings
40. Forgive yourself; you only did what you knew to do, when you could decide to do it.
41. Grow a backbone
43. Don’t ever try a cigarette
44. Learn how to make yourself orgasm first
45. If you are repeatedly treated poorly by someone, it’s because you allow it to continue
46. Confidence is sexiest
47. A great haircut is worth it
48. Say NO when you get the urge
49. Read this
50. And this and this and this and this
51. Be grateful
52. When you marry someone you marry his or her family.
53. Your job probably thinks your expendable; be selective with your loyalty
54. When your kids constantly whine and misbehave, it’s not because of the school system…
55. If you are offended by something someone says about you, it’s probably true
56. Give without expectation
57. Everyone likes a birthday cake, no matter how much they deny it
58. Don’t yell
59. Get over yourself
60. No one really knows what they’re doing in life
61. Communicate
62. Diversify: your friends, money and interests
63. Talk about ideas, not people
64. Don’t fall into marketable New Age hype
65. There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy, so yes, the world does not revolve around you
66. Smile (apparently, it’s the 2nd best thing you can do with your mouth)
67. Compliment more
68. Know your weaknesses, find other people to complement them
69. Mentor, mentor, mentor
70. No matter how much you know, you’re still probably ignorant
71. America needs a lot of work right now
72. Race does not define you
73. Your purpose is to be; enjoy it
74. Normal doesn’t exist; it’s all socialization put in your head
75. Live beneath your means
76. Avoid car loans
77. Clip coupons
78. Stay on the border of the grocery store
79. Tip 20% or more
80. Your beliefs are yours alone, unless some random stranger asked for a lecture, keep it that way
81. Take responsibility for your choices
82. Just do it. Anything, everything, all of it - whatever you want. Just do it.
83. It’s always easier then you thought.
84. Forgive your enemies and free yourself.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Thoughts for the Day - 24Things to Remember and 1 Not to Forget

Your presence is a present to the world.
You’re unique and one of a kind.
Your Life can be what you want it to be.
Take the days just one at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.
You’ll make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers.
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don’t put limits on yourself.
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.
Don’t take things too seriously.
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way.
Remember that a lot … goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
Life’s Treasures are people … together.

Realize that it’s never too late.
Do ordinary thing in an extraordinary way.
Have health and hope and happiness.
Take the time to wish upon a star.

And don’t ever forget…
for even a day … how very special you are.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

14 Things to be Grateful for in Your Life

Most people agree that being grateful is important if we are to have a positive life. Being grateful makes we see the bright side of life that turns us into positive people.

Unfortunately, we often look at what we don’t have instead of what we have, and we end up complaining instead of being grateful. Do you know what the #1 enemy of being grateful is? The #1 enemy of being grateful is taking something for granted. Taking something for granted makes we forget how miserable it would be if we didn’t have it.

Sometimes we need to experience a loss to be able to appreciate what we have.

I don’t know about you, but I would better not wait until that happens; we should learn to appreciate the things we have without first experiencing a loss. So here I’d like to share 14 simple things to be grateful for in your daily life. While perhaps not all of them apply to you, I believe there are more that apply than don’t. Here they are:

1. You live in peace

If you read war time stories, you will realize how terrible the situation was. Lives were lost so easily. Pain, suffering, and poverty were everywhere. That we live in peace is a great blessing.

2. You have your loved ones

Many people lose their loved ones. Many people don’t even know their father and mother. So be grateful if you have yours.

3. You have good friends

Good, caring friends are something that not everyone has.

4. You are healthy

Sometimes we need to be sick to understand the blessing of being healthy. Have you experienced being sick? I have, and it makes me realize how good being healthy is.

5. You have enough financially

Don’t believe me? Go to Global Rich List and prove it yourself.

6. You live in hygienic environment

In the past, life expectancy was very low – it was only 20-35 years in most of the human history. The main cause was not war but unhealthy environment (coupled with poor medical technologies). Now you have far better environment to live in.

7. You live in an age of medical breakthroughs

Besides having better environment, now you have much better medical technologies. Just a simple example: you have anesthetic. Can you imagine going through surgery without anesthetic? That’s how people did it for thousands of years.

8. You have electricity

Having electricity is so simple that we forget how our life would be without it. Just take a moment to imagine it. You will perhaps lose 90% of your conveniences if that happened.

9. Your computer works properly

Have you ever experienced turning on your computer only to find that it didn’t work and the data were gone? I have, and it was frustrating.

10. You can communicate in an instant

In the past, letter took months to arrive, if at all. Now you can send an email or an instant message and get it delivered in seconds.

11. You have abundant entertainment options

Even kings in the past didn’t have a fraction of what you have now. You have television, movies, and electronic games, just to name a few.

12. You live in an age of instant knowledge transfer

You can learn anything you want instantly through the Internet. In the past people might have to travel thousands of miles to find the right libraries.

13. You can travel quickly and conveniently

Your car is more convenient than past royal transport for one simple reason: shock absorber. And you can travel around the world in hours instead of months or years like Magellan and Columbus.

14. You have good law in place

Before good law codes (like Code of Hammurabi) were introduced, anybody could do anything they wanted and there was virtually no protection of rights. Now you can feel safe and protected.

These 14 things are simple, but our life would be miserable without them. And I’m sure there are still many more things I don’t cover here. So learn to appreciate what you have and you will realize what a great life you have.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Things to do in a movie theatre...?

1. Inform the entire theater that you have to go to the bathroom. Wait a minute or so and tell everyone that you feel better now.

2. Applaud.

3. Laugh loudly during serious and sad scenes.

4. Sing along with the background music.

5. Whenever someone opens a door yell "Don't go in there, he's got a gun!"

6. Snore.

7. Yell "Hey, down in front!" even if you are sitting in the front.

8. Make shadow puppets.

9. If you've seen the movie before, say what's going to happen right before it happens. Act amazed at your wonderful foresight.

10. Walk around behind the screen. Jump through it. Run like hell.

11. Pull out a squirt gun and shoot the "bad guys." Tell people that you are a part of this new "live action" movie. Squirt any movie personnel telling you to stop.

12. Read the credits out loud.

13. Dress as a cheerleader. Keep the actors' enthusiasm up.

14. Stand by the screen and sign the movie.

15. Rip off one end of a straw wrapper and blow in the straw. The wrapper will fly across the theatre, hopefully hitting someone.

16. (Variation of above) Dip the wrapper end in ketchup. This will make it a permanent part of the screen.

17. If it's a Disney film, go up to the projector room and replace the film with an adult film.

18. Talk loudly to a friend. Whenever someone else makes the slightest noise, tell them they are inconsiderate little bastards for disrupting your viewing pleasure.

19. Put Ex-Lax in the drinks. Lock all the doors.

20. Say "beep" loudly at every vulgarity. Tell those objecting that you are from the EPA here to stop noise pollution.

21. Throw Runts at people so you can use the drive by fruiting joke.

22. Sacrifice small furry creatures in the front of the theatre.

23. Sit by the aisle. Trip everyone that walks by.

24. Walk in front of the screen, fall, and lay there for a few minutes. Then get up and go back to your seat as if nothing happened. Do it again every ten minutes.

25. Play an appropriate instrument for the movie:
western=banjo, comedy=cazoo, action=synthesizer or guitar, mystery=bad whistle, etc.

26. Say the lines with the movie, in Swahili.

27. Collect donations for charity.

28. Bring a portable T.V. Watch the ball game. Cheer loudly.

29. Aerosol can. Zippo. 'nuff said.

30. Throw paper airplanes. Anounce their take off like air traffic control personnel.

31. Candle + flashpaper = fireballs!

32. Yell "Ow!" after every gunshot.

33. Stand on your head in the aisle during the duration of the movie.

34. Have a barbecue.

35. Gargle your soft drink.

36. Juggle.

37. Bowl in the isle.

38. Throw smoke grenades.

39. Play Battleship with someone accross the theatere.

40. Wear a trench coat and sunglasses. Whenever someone enters or exits the theatre ask to see their identification.

41. Do shots.

42. Eat a lot of beans or chili before the movie. Hope the theatre is crowded.

43. Leave death threats on various seats. Give sinister glances to people as they leave the theatre.

44. Break into a chorus of "I Will Survive" during climatic parts of the movie.

45. Do some needlepoint. Suddenly yell "Ow! That hurt. Woah cool, it's spurting."

46. Find the light switch. Turn the lights on.

47. Throw water balloons.

48. Bring lots of gerbils and mice. Think snowball fight.

49. Have a friend call your beeper every 5 minutes.
Make sure it's loud.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Corny Pick Up Lines

Due to popular demand...Here's some more pretty bad pick up lines. Please, don't try these!

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya.

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!

Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just took my heart away!

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!

I'm not wearing any pants.

You have been very naughty! Go to my room!

Mind if I stand here until it's safe where i farted.

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.

Sex is like Pringles: once you pop, you can't stop.

If I received a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

When God made you, he was showing off .

It's not my fault I fell in love, you're the one who tripped me!

You're last name should be Campbells, cus your mmmm... GOOD

Tell me something, girl. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?

Your name must be cheerios...cuz you seem healthy for my heart.

Is your dad in jail? Cuz he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

Hey baby, You must be from Tennesee........cause your the only Ten-I-See .

Excuse me miss, are you a Hostess? Because you've got some sweet cakes!!

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Pick Up Lines

Recently I've noticed how many people visit my blog looking for pick up lines...So, I figured I'd put together a list of "good" ones. Hope you enjoy them!

You're ugly but you intrigue me.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

You have the face of a saint -- a Saint Bernard.

You'll do.

Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Man - Excuse me, want to dance?
Woman - No.
Man - Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!

I love the way you butter on a bald monkey.

Do you work for UPS? 'Cause I swear I saw you checking out my package!

No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

Man - Fat Penguin !
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

Man - Do you like to dance?
Woman - Yes !
Man - Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

What Not to Do at a Job Interview...

Interviewing can be fun, right? Well, reading about bad interviews can be...

Can you believe they actually did this?

....stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

....wore an i-Pod and told the HR person she couldn't listen to her and the music at the same time.

....a balding candidate abruptly excused himself, and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

....asked to see the interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

....announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office -- wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.

....stated that if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

....interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

....when I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office. the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair and left.

Good Luck on that Job Search!!