Friday, August 27, 2010

Free Laugh - Homer Simpson Quotes

homer simpson quotes

As one of our favorite animated characters, Homer Simpson has had quite a few hilarious quotes throughout the years. From beer and bacon to marriage and children, Homer always seems to leave us laughing with his unique comments and ridiculous questions. Here we have our list of the best Homer Simpsons quotes of all time.

“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”

“If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.”

“Son, a woman is a lot like a… a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and … um … Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”

“God bless those pagans.”

“Everyone knows rock n’ roll attained perfection in 1974; It’s a scientific fact.”

“Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?”

“Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”

“They didn’t have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.”

“Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.”

“Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex. It’s also the food preparation.”

“Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!”

“Bart! With $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!”

“Well, I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!”

“I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.”

“Lisa, honey, if it’ll make you feel better I’ll destroy something Bart loves.”

“Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her… during the commercial.”

“Stupid risks are what make life worth living.”

“If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.”

“The sun? That’s the hottest place on Earth.”

“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. 1). Cover for me. 2). Oh, good idea Boss! 3). It was like that when I got here.”

“Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”

“Lisa, you’re a Buddhist, so you believe in reincarnation. Eventually, Snowball will be reborn as a higher life form… like a snowman.”

“English side ruined! Must use French instructions! Le GRILL?? What the hell is that?”

“Stupid gravity!”

“Aw, twenty dollars… I wanted a peanut.”

“God can’t be everywhere, right?”

“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”

“Oh, so they have internet on computers now!”

“What is a wedding? Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as ‘The process of removing weeds from one’s garden.’”

“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!”

“Throw them away? Are you mad woman? You never know when an old calendar may come in handy. Sure it’s not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow might bring?”

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! … ‘cept the weasel.”

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

“I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!”

“You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”

“You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

“The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a beer bottle, they’re on TV.”

“Flanders has cooties … Flanders has cooties … Flanders has cooties …”

“Somebody COULD get hurt … COULD … but chances are they won’t.”

“Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick.”

“I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.”

“Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.”

“If you’re going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I’ll just have to stop doing stupid things!”

“The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.”

“Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.”

“Pffft, English, who needs that? I’m never going to England.”

“I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.”

“Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watch them pass me over for promotions time and again.”

“You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.”

“Well, its 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.”

“Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.”

“Shut-up brain or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.”

“Help me, Jebus!”

“Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep… in a giant blender.”

“If God didn’t want us to eat in church, he would’ve made gluttony a sin.”

“A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It’s a tool, like a butcher’s knife, or a harpoon, or an alligator.”

“Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie… Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.”

“First you don’t want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!”

“I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.”

“First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.”

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