Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Free Laugh - What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing."Really means . . ."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."Really means . . ."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."Really means . . ."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."Really means . . ."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."Really means . . ."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"Really means . . ."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really means . . .Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."Really means . . ."It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"Really means . . ."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."Really means . . ."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."Really means . . ."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."Really means . . ."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."Really means . . ."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."Really means . . ."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."Really means . . ."I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."Really means . . ."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."Really means . . ."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means . . ."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."Really means . . ."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."Really means . . ."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."Really means . . ."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."Really means . . ."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."Really means . . ."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"Really means . . ."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."Really means . . ."I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."Really means . . ."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."Really means . . ."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."Really means . . ."Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."Really means . . ."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."Really means . . ."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."Really means . . ."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."Really means . . ."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"Really means . . ."What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"Really means . . ."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."Really means . . ."She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."Really means . . ."Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."Really means . . ."You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."Really means . . ."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."Really means . . ."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."Really means . . ."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."Really means . . ."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."Really means . . ."It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."Really means . . ."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."Really means . . ."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."Really means . . ."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."Really means . . ."I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."Really means . . ."We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."Really means . . ."Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."Really means . . ."I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."Really means . . ."It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."Really means . . ."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."Really means . . ."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."Really means . . ."She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."Really means . . ."Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

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