Free Laugh - A Woman's 50 Rules for Men

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss . . ." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her. (please note that the following two have been mentioned not once, but twice)
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your butt smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything out.

Free Laugh - The Wish

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "Okay, okay. You released me from the lamp, blah. This is the tenth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said okay and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . . know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy. . . ."
The genie looked at him and said, "You want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

Free Laugh - What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing."Really means . . ."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."Really means . . ."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."Really means . . ."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."Really means . . ."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."Really means . . ."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"Really means . . ."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really means . . .Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."Really means . . ."It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"Really means . . ."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."Really means . . ."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."Really means . . ."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."Really means . . ."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."Really means . . ."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."Really means . . ."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."Really means . . ."I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."Really means . . ."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."Really means . . ."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means . . ."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."Really means . . ."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."Really means . . ."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."Really means . . ."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."Really means . . ."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."Really means . . ."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"Really means . . ."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."Really means . . ."I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."Really means . . ."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."Really means . . ."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."Really means . . ."Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."Really means . . ."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."Really means . . ."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."Really means . . ."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."Really means . . ."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"Really means . . ."What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"Really means . . ."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."Really means . . ."She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."Really means . . ."Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."Really means . . ."You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."Really means . . ."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."Really means . . ."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."Really means . . ."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."Really means . . ."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."Really means . . ."It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."Really means . . ."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."Really means . . ."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."Really means . . ."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."Really means . . ."I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."Really means . . ."We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."Really means . . ."Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."Really means . . ."I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."Really means . . ."It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."Really means . . ."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."Really means . . ."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."Really means . . ."She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."Really means . . ."Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

Free Laugh - Top Ten Things Men Should Never Say In Victoria Secrets

10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks. Just Sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me???
3. The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!!
2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

Free Laugh - Top Ten Cheesy Pick Up Lines

10. "Do you have a quarter I could borrow? I told my mom I would call her when I met the woman I would marry."

9. "You're Dad must have been a thief because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."

8. "That dress looks great on you. It would look even better crumpled up on my floor tomorrow morning."

7. "Do you have any Italian / Irish / German / etc. in you? Would you like some?"

6. "Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Stacey?"

5. "Baby you're feet must be tired because you have been walking through my mind all night."

4. "Our children are going to be really gorgeous."

3. "Make me a man tonight."

2. THE texass PICK-UP LINE OF CHOICE:

"Get in the truck bitch."

AND THE NUMBER ONE PICKUP LINE THAT *NEVER* WORKS:
1. "Hey, you wanna come over and see my stereo?"

Free Laugh - Top 15 Signs You've Chosen the Wrong Valentines Day Date

15. Her eyes say "Yes" but her probation officer says "No."
14. When sober, he looks like Beavis. When drunk, he looks like Butthead.
13. Sure, the Mapplethorpe exhibit was provocative, but now you're stuck with those tickets for "Wrestlemania XII."
12. The big lug knows how to hang onto a girl, but clinging to the roof of the Empire State Building isn't your idea of a romantic evening.
11. He's hired three naked kids with little bows and arrows to "set the mood."
10. Upon closer inspection, that label reads, "Victoria's Secretions."
9. "Would you like some more wine, Mom?"
8. Any combination of the words "Susan" and "Powter" on her driver's license.
7. She tells the *waiter* that she isn't wearing any underwear.
6. He keeps hitting you up for an $8.5 million loan.
5. His 10 words-per-minute typing means you spend most of the night staring at your monitor.
4. The "hit" by the Giancomo Family was traumatic enough, but NOW you're stuck with the check.
3. Instead of "saying it with flowers," he says it with squash.
2. C'mon, webmaster AND part-time model? She's got to be making this stuff up.
And the Number One Sign You've Chosen the Wrong Date for Valentine's Day . . .
1. Every time he pulls you close on the dance floor, his Siamese twin cops a feel.

Free Laugh - Seminars for Women

The male staff will be offering courses listed below to women of all marital status. Attendance in at least 10 is mandatory:
1. Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
2. Doing Housework Without Complaining
3. Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
4. Going to the Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)
5. Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
6. Exercise: How it Keeps You From Looking Like Your Mother
7. Sex: Learning How to Initiate
8. How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
9. Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
10. Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
11. The Toilet Seat: I Can Put It Down
12. Sex Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"
13. "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
14. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
15. The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
16. You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
17. Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Basinger -- But You're Acceptable
18. Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough)
19. Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
20. Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
21. Sex: More Than Just Lying There
22. Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours
23. Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
24. Makeup: The Less is More Theory
25. Nagging: Stop the Insanity!
26. How to Use Only 1/2 the Closet
27. Sports Terminology (formerly, "No, the Dodgers play Baseball not Basketball")
28. Living With Only 2 Dozen Pairs of Shoes
29. Shopping, Disease or Weakness
30. Exercise, It Won't kill You Once in a While
31. Showering: the Water Does Not Have to be Set to Boil
32. Getting Flowers: Wouldn't You Rather Have Something Useful, Like an Autographed Baseball?

Free Laugh - Personal Ads

Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to save money by spending yours. POB 27.

Male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

Woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for man with sense of humus. POB 789.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. POB 72.

Attractive woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 843.

Businessman, 49, manufactures candles, seeks non-smoker. POB 787.

Looking for a great husband? "Mr. Dependable," always there for you. A faithful companion at all times. Your salvation in any emergency. No Saturday or Holiday calls, please. POB 92.

Agnostic dyslexic insomniac male, seeks similar female to stay up all night to discuss whether or not there really is a DOG. POB 83.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

I enjoy long walks, candlelight dinners, sailing, travel to Europe, and I think this ad should be in New York Magazine instead. Sorry.

I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are all the nice men hiding? POB 68.

Nice guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.

Staunch feminist, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.

Professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.

SFDJMBA-Do I have to spell out everything for you? POB 333.

I am a sensitive male whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Single woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.

F u cn rd ths, u r stndg too cls. POB 44.

All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.

Free Laugh - Origins of Love - According to Children

Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
Julio, age 9

"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him . . . . After a while, they became the first married gods."
Robbie, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell . . . . That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita, age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE:
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?:
"Mooshy . . . like puppy dogs . . . except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
"When a person gets kissed for the first time they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8

"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark."
Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television."
Jill, age 6

"Love is foolish . . . but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, age 9

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"Sensitivity don't hurt."
Robbie, age 8

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Tell them you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs . . . and don't worry if their parents are right there."
Manuel, age 8

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love.
Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9

Free Laugh - If Men Truly Ran the World

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps."

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words . . . "Ally McNaked."

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get 4 real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Free Laugh - Milk

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

Here's an update for you . . . Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women finally realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig . . . just to get a little sausage.

Free Laugh - Male Translation Guide

The woman's guide to what a man is really saying . . .
"I'm hungry." I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." Okay, I said it . . . we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." I am gay.

Free Laugh - Help For Single and Spineless Guys

If you're like some men (and I know you are), you probably date quite a bit, and also you find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of the dating process. After a second or perhaps third date that didn't go at all well, the closest you'll ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." Of course, you have no intention of calling her and you may even feel a slight twinge of guilt. But there's a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now.

E-mail.

That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?
I have drafted the enclosed E-mail rejection letter and invite you to use it the next time you need to put your main squeeze on waivers.
The text of the letter follows. Hope it comes in handy.

Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.
___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.
___ The fact that you attended the University of Miami and/or root for the Miami Hurricanes demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
___ As a practice I do not normally discriminate against single mothers, and although I understand the youngster was named for her father, I do not think "Sturgis, South Dakota" is an appropriate name for a little girl.
___ Your revelation that you, a 30-year-old, had dated your previous boyfriend, an alcoholic, for 16 years raised some serious questions about your mental state.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,Your Name (Optional)

Free Laugh - Estrogen Found in Beer

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Free Laugh - Dumb Men Jokes

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One . . . men will screw anything.

3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

5. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the the neck up.

9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows . . . It's never been done.

11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.

12. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.

14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

15. Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.

16. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

17. How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

Free Laugh - Chemical Analysis of a Woman

WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Woman

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 75 to 550 lbs.

OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Free Laugh - Chemical Analysis of a Man

MEN: A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Man

SYMBOL: Ego

DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs.

OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars."
Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface often covered with hair -- bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense.
3. Melts if treated like a God.
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 and #6.
8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9. Is impervious to embarrassment.
10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.

Free Laugh - Biology of Computers

A French teacher was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The Group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later reprisal.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.