Free Laugh - Irish Drinking Stories...

From Ireland, where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this story. Recently a routine garda patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The garda officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said Paddy , truly proud of him self. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy!

Thoughts for the Day - Irish Sayings and Proverbs

If Holy Water was beer he'd be at mass every morning.

Whiskey when you're sick makes you well, whiskey when you're well makes you sick.

Wine drowns more men than water.

You've never seen a collection for a needy publican.

The drunk will soon have daylight in through the rafters.

A man in need of a drink thinks of great schemes to get it.

Drink is a curse-- it makes you shoot at your landlord --and miss him.

Before you call for one for the road be sure you know the road.

Free Laugh - Psychiatrist vs. the Bartender

Ever since I was a little child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night so I went to a shrink and told him, 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

Thoughts for the Day - 20 Things to Remember

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.

Free Laugh - Paddy and the Hooker

An Irish bloke was walking home late at night from the bar and when he saw a woman hiding in the shadows.

'Twenty quid ' she whispered.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decided what the hell, it's only twenty quid .

So they hid in the bushes and they were going 'at it' when all of a sudden a light flashed on them.

It was a police officer . "Allo, what's going on here then?' he said.

'Oid be making love to me wife!' Paddy answered, sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' said the cop, 'I didn't know' .

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her.

Did you Know Facts - WD-40 - Who knew?

I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed

the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew? 'Water Displacement #40' The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you. When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that
spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top ... Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

Here are some other uses

1. Protects silver from tarnishing.

2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.

3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.

4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.

5. Keeps flies off cows.

6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.

7. Removes lipstick stains.

8. Loosens stubborn zippers.

9. Untangles jewelry chains.

10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.

11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.

12. Keeps ceramic/terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.

13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.

14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.

15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.

16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.

17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.

18. It removes black scuff marks from t he kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.

19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!

20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.

21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.

22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.

23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.

24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.

25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.

26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.

27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.

28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.

29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.

30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.

31. Removes splattered grease on stove.

32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.

33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.

34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).

35. Removes all traces of duct tape.

36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.

37. Florida 's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'

38. The favorite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.

39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.

40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.

41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe
with a clean rag.

42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!

43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL

Free Laugh - Irish Humor

Mick was telling his co-worker, Paddy, one day that the company was transferring him to Belfast. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.

When asked why, Mick replied that he was just too afraid of all the violence even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

Paddy told him to reconsider. Belfast was a magnificent city, with wonderful pubs, loaded with great history, good public transportation, etc. Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Belfast for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem while I was working. The stories about violence are greatly exaggerated"

Mick asked, "What did you do over there?"

"I was tail-gunner on a milk truck." replied Paddy.

Free Laugh - I love the P.S.

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.


Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your Girlfriend Called!

Thoughts for the Day - Irish Proverbs

A widow and her money are soon courted

A young man is bothered till he's married after that he's bothered all the time

If a man is in love he is no judge of beauty but when love wears off he'll tell a woman about her warts

Marriage changes a man and makes the woman who changed him complain about him not being the same man she married

Sweet is the voice for a woman of a man who has wealth

If you love her in rags your love will last

A silent mouth is the sweetest sound

Empty and cold is a house without a woman

Health to the men but may the women live forever

RIP Captain Phil Harris - Deadliest Catch

Our sincere condolences to the Harris Family.
The Bering Sea never be the same!
Phil, we will miss your laugh, your straight-forwardness
and the way you taught and respected your crew!

Rest in Peace

Phil Harris, the fishing boat captain whose adventures off the Alaska coast were captured on the television show "Deadliest Catch", has died, the Discovery Channel said Tuesday night. He was 53.

Harris suffered what his family described as a massive stroke on Jan. 29 while the fishing vessel he captained, Cornelia Marie, was in port at St. Paul Island, Alaska. The fisherman was flown to Anchorage for surgery.

The reality show, which has filmed five seasons, has been one of the Discovery Channel's most popular and depicts the crab fishing industry in the dangerous waters off Alaska.

"It is with great sadness that we say goodbye to our dad - Captain Phil Harris. Dad has always been a fighter and continued to be until the end," sons Josh and Jake Harris said in a statement released by the network. "For us and the crew, he was someone who never backed down."

In a statement, Discovery Channel senior vice president Elizabeth Hillman says, "Phil was a devoted father and loyal friend to all who knew him."

"We will miss his straightforward honesty, wicked sense of humor and enormous heart," she said.

In an e-mail to The Associated Press, she said no additional information was immediately available Tuesday night.

Harris had seemed to be improving, and in a posting last Saturday on the ship's Web site, he was described as "talking to friends and family today; showing his greatest progress" since the stroke.

His sons wrote in a Feb. 3 posting that "No one ever said Captain Phil Harris wasn't tough. Today, dad showed some good signs of improvement, squeezing our hands and even summoning his trademark Captain's bluntness ... We are encouraged but still very cautious."

According to the ship's Web site, Harris started working on fishing boats at age 7 and started work 10 years later on a crab boat. When Harris turned 21, he ran a fishing vessel out of Seattle, making him one of the youngest to captain a vessel in the Bering Sea.

When Harris suffered the stroke, the family said a friend, Derek Ray, had flown to St. Paul to take over the role of relief skipper for the rest of the opilio crab season.

Harris' fishing vessel was based in Seattle.

Free Laugh - Humor About...The Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Thoughts for the Day - Irish Proverbs

There is hope from the sea but none from the graveyard.

A poor man's tale is rarely heard.

Better to go to bed supper-less than to rise in debt.

Contentment is greater than a kingdom.

The three strongest forces, fire, water and hatred.

Three sharpest eyes, a blacksmith on a nail, a priest on his parish, a young girl on a boy.

Hope is the cure for all misery.

Everyone is an expert until they speak.

Thoughts for the Day - 20 Things to Ponder

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.

My Article on 'Cremation Diamonds' was Published by Associated Content!

Well, I did it! My article on 'Cremation Diamonds, a Unique Keepsake Memorial' was accepted and published by the Associated Content!

Click Here to Read it Now!

I think it's a big step to write that first article and get it approved. Many people wouldn't take the time to sit down and write something, never mind go the extra steps (and there were many) to register, create a profile, jump through all the hoops and then submit that article, fingers crossed, to the editors. So, when I saw the acceptance email this morning...I did a little "YAY ME!" dance!

The potential for me to repost, use social media, social bookmarking, and other internet tricks and tips to promote this article, myself and more importantly, my client is huge. It's like discovering there was one more cold diet coke in back of the refrigerator on a hot summer day, when you thought you were out! Ok, now you know - me, and diet coke, we go way back...we've had a long term relationship and I don't see that changing anytime soon! Gotta have my DC. Hmm, maybe I need another one RIGHT NOW! But, I digress...

This article means a great deal to me and will be the start of a huge initiative to create content for publication for this particular client, DNA2Diamonds, myself and other clients. I hope you enjoy it:

Cremation Diamonds, a Unique Keepsake Memorial
by Maureen McHale

Free Laugh - Are you smarter than a Pre-Schooler?

A Pre-School Test For You

Which way is the bus below traveling?

To the left or to the right?

Can't make up your mind?

Look carefully at the picture again.

Still don't know?

Pre-schoolers all over the United States were shown this picture and asked the same question. 90% of the preschooler's gave this answer:

"The bus is traveling to the left."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling to the left?"

They answered:

"Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."

Free Laugh - Full Disclosure for Selling Your House

Free Laugh - To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice!
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. In the memo field of all your checks, writ "For Marijuana."
6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To Go'.
9. Sing along at the opera.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.
11. When the money comes out of the ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.