Monday, July 27, 2009

Some Humor to Get You Through the Week..

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Stephen Wright

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
- Stephen Wright.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
-Bruce Baum

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeners.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
- Walter Bagehot

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Yogi Berra

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.
- Robert Gronock.

Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
- Frank

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.
(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.
- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
- Mark Knopfler.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.
- Barrymore.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
- Mork, Mork and Mindy

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
- Dick Cavett

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!
- Yogi Berra

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- Dan Quayle

Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."
- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- W. C. Fields.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
- Dolph Sharp

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
- George Carlin

We are not anticipating any emergencies.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Act natural.
This report is filled with omissions.
I can't remember having a more memorable time.
No one goes to that restaurant anymore --it's always too crowded.
By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- Katherine Cebrian

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
- Dave Barry

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
- David Letterman

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
- Tommy Cooper

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."

I tried to think but nothing happened!
- Curly

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Jon Hammond

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
- Dick Cavett

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fletcher Knebel

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943

The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Author Unknown
Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.

One of the check-out counters had a sign that said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just don't care.

A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

I knew it! I'm surrounded by assholes!

Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.

Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!

I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.

Im not as think as you drunk i am.

Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created."

When you're run down the best thing to take is the license number.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you
transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Now, the guy who invented the other three... he was the genius.

I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird.

Evening news: Where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To make things simple...let's automatically assume that everything I say is right.

If you think sex is a pain in the ass-you're doing it wrong!

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injuries.

The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.

"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes.""Have you seen a doctor?""No, just spots."

I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for.

A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!

Don't judge a book by its movie.

The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Walking On Water

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

What NOT to say during a Job Interview!

Searching for a new career opportunity can always be an intense process. However, trying to always find the brighter side of things, I came across these funny comments people have made during job interviews...let's hope I avoid the same pitfalls! lol

"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Why did you leave your last job?
"I have a problem with authority."

Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
"The resolution was we were both fired."

What kind of computer software have you used?
"Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it."

What are your hobbies and interests?
"[He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'"

Why should we hire you?
"I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time."

  • "Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?"
  • "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?"
  • "What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?"
  • "I was a Chamber of Commerce Executive once hiring a secretary. (and the candidate asked) 'What does a Chamber of Commerce do?'"
  • "Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go."
  • "What is your company's policy on Monday absences?"
  • "If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?"
  • "How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash."
  • "[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story."
  • "If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?"
  • "When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?"
  • "Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast feed and would want to use that room."
  • "So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?"
  • Why are you leaving your current job?
    "Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building."
  • "I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes."
Why are you looking for a job?
"Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job."
"My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here."

Why do you want to work for us?
"Just for the benefits."
"My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am."
"I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?"

What are your assets? (as in strengths)
"Well, I do own a bike."

What are your weaknesses?
"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you."
"I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning."
"I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job."
"I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot."

When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
"Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that."

Is there anything else I should know about you?
"You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends."

When can you start?
"I need to check with my mom on that one."

Use three adjectives to describe yourself
"I hate questions like this."

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement."

Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired."

"One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement."

"[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport."

"I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'"

"Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?"

"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night."

(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated."

"[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'"

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Why you never question a drunk...

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket and selected:

* A half-gallon of 2% milk
* A carton of eggs
* A quart of orange juice
* A head lettuce
* A 2 lb. can of coffee
* A 1 lb. package of bacon

She was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out.

A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: 'Well, you're absolutely right...

But how on earth did you know ?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Educate Our Children!!!

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact.

And these people vote.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday.. We thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Kid's Responses to Questions from the Bible

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,'I think I'd throw up.'

A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,'replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been Learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge andall the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'So, how come He doesn't?' she asked.

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.'Yes, sir.' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'All girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Free Laugh - Irish Humor

Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Friday, July 17, 2009

Difference Between Women and Men

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held contention that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed her the study results, which stated: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, "That's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said "What?"

Thursday, July 16, 2009

New Definitions to Some Old Words

These definitions fit so well they should be in a dictionary...

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction .

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

and last but not least..

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

When I was a

Kids today think they have it bad....

When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!