Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Stephen Wright
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
- Stephen Wright.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
-Bruce Baum
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeners.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
- Walter Bagehot
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Yogi Berra
He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.
- Robert Gronock.
Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
- Frank
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.
(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.
- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.
Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
- Mark Knopfler.
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.
- Barrymore.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
- Mork, Mork and Mindy
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
- Dick Cavett
When you come to a fork in the road, take it!
- Yogi Berra
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- Dan Quayle
Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."
- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- W. C. Fields.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
- Dolph Sharp
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
- George Carlin
Oxymorons:
We are not anticipating any emergencies.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Act natural.
This report is filled with omissions.
I can't remember having a more memorable time.
No one goes to that restaurant anymore --it's always too crowded.
By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- Katherine Cebrian
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
- Dave Barry
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
- David Letterman
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
- Tommy Cooper
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."
I tried to think but nothing happened!
- Curly
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Jon Hammond
If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
- Dick Cavett
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fletcher Knebel
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943
The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Author Unknown
Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
One of the check-out counters had a sign that said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just don't care.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
I knew it! I'm surrounded by assholes!
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
Im not as think as you drunk i am.
Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created."
When you're run down the best thing to take is the license number.
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you
transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Now, the guy who invented the other three... he was the genius.
I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird.
Evening news: Where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To make things simple...let's automatically assume that everything I say is right.
If you think sex is a pain in the ass-you're doing it wrong!
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injuries.
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes.""Have you seen a doctor?""No, just spots."
I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for.
A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!
Don't judge a book by its movie.
The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Walking On Water
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