Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Free Laugh - Idiots
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, NO, it's not. Four is larger than two... We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, You gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, That's why we ask.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blind people doing driving?
--She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, This is fun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights" stare.
--This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
--A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey I announced to the technician, it's open! His reply, I know. I already got in that side.
--This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS ...
IDIOT:
When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car , as my car was shipped from Hawaii. I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge ." He nodded his head and said "Cool!"
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...
and they VOTE...
and they REPRODUCE...
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, NO, it's not. Four is larger than two... We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, You gave me too much money. I said, Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing. The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, That's why we ask.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, What on earth are blind people doing driving?
--She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, This is fun. We should do this more often. Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights" stare.
--This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
--A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. Hey I announced to the technician, it's open! His reply, I know. I already got in that side.
--This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS ...
IDIOT:
When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car , as my car was shipped from Hawaii. I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge ." He nodded his head and said "Cool!"
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...
and they VOTE...
and they REPRODUCE...
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Free Laugh - The Good Grandpa
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here... Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive your grandson got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his Grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- this little bastard's name is Steve."
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here... Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive your grandson got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his Grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- this little bastard's name is Steve."
Friday, August 28, 2009
Free Laugh - Proofreading is a dying art...
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing, lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing, lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Free Laugh - Why I Order Publix Cakes...
This cake from Walmart was ordered for someone who was moving...
It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture.
Keep in mind this actually happened.
This is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: 'Hello, dis' be Walmarts, how kai hep you?'
Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: 'What you want on da cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne'and underneath that'We will miss you'
You Can't Fix STUPID!
It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture.
Keep in mind this actually happened.
This is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: 'Hello, dis' be Walmarts, how kai hep you?'
Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: 'What you want on da cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne'and underneath that'We will miss you'
You Can't Fix STUPID!
Thoughts for the Day - 10 Things to Do Every Day
Gotta love this...I found this after doing several posts with lists of "Things to Live By"...Enjoy! (Disclaimer: do not try this at home! lol)
Wake Up Early
Set your alarm for around two in the morning; you’ll get more work done when there’s no one up to get in your way. Reward yourself with a quick bump of crystal meth to get you going.
-
Make a List
If you followed step one you should be able to finish up by seven or eight o’clock.
-
Stop and Smell the Roses
But only the ones with prime numbered petals.
-
Do Something Nice for Another Person
Or not.
-
Read
You have already completed this requirement by reaching this far down the list.
-
Watch the Sun Set
Sunset is a much better time to watch the sun than High Noon. Conscious awareness of the approaching evening will remind you that there are only five hours until you get up tomorrow morning.
-
Exercise
Beating mimes is a great way to work cardio and upper body strength. Don’t forget to kick them while they’re down to get at your quads.
-
Eat Right
Don’t eat McDonald’s more than once a week; instead, be sure to mix up the restaurants you visit. Remember to eat Burger King, Taco Bell, and Arby’s in order to get a well balanced diet. Also donuts.
-
Laugh
Do it. Or a kitten dies.
-
Meditate/Contemplate the Day
In whatever way best suits you, take a moment to reflect on your life experience in order to absorb and appreciate the gift that has been bestowed upon you. Be it through a hot bath, an evening puff on the ol’ tobacco pipe, or listening to the screams from your basement waft and mingle with the scents of hot apple pie, any way you choose to honor your day is just fine.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Thoughts for the Day - 12 Things to Live By
1. In life just don't trust people who change their feelings with times...
Instead trust those people whose feelings remain the same, even when the time changes...
2. We make them cry who cares for us. And we care for those who will never cry for us.
This is the truth of life, its strange but true. Once you realize this, its never too late to change.
3. Never explain yourself to anyone. Because the person who likes you doesn't need it and the person who dislikes you won't believe it.
4. Don't let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in their life...
Relationships work only when the are balanced.
5. Don't write you name in sand, waves well wash it away. Don't write you name in sky, wind may blow it a way. Write you name in hearts of people you come in touch with. That's where it will stay.
6. Whatever you give to life, it gives you back. Do not hate anybody. The hatred which comes out from you will someday comeback to you. Love others, and love will comeback to you.
7. For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It is about your outlook toward life. You can either regret or rejoice.
8. The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you , it's when you don't understand yourself.
9. Arrow goes forward only after pulling in the backward. Bullet goes forward only after pressing the trigger backward. Every human being well get happy only after facing the difficulties in their life path... So do not afraid to face you difficulties. They will push you forward .
10. Remember you are born to live. Don't live because you are born!
Don't go the way life takes you... Take life the way you go!!
11. What we are today is result of our own past actions;
Whatever we wish to be in future depends on our present actions;
Decide how you have to act now. We are responsible for what we are, whatever we wish ourselves to be, We have the power to make ourselves.
12. Those who anger you, control you. Let it go.
Instead trust those people whose feelings remain the same, even when the time changes...
2. We make them cry who cares for us. And we care for those who will never cry for us.
This is the truth of life, its strange but true. Once you realize this, its never too late to change.
3. Never explain yourself to anyone. Because the person who likes you doesn't need it and the person who dislikes you won't believe it.
4. Don't let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in their life...
Relationships work only when the are balanced.
5. Don't write you name in sand, waves well wash it away. Don't write you name in sky, wind may blow it a way. Write you name in hearts of people you come in touch with. That's where it will stay.
6. Whatever you give to life, it gives you back. Do not hate anybody. The hatred which comes out from you will someday comeback to you. Love others, and love will comeback to you.
7. For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It is about your outlook toward life. You can either regret or rejoice.
8. The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you , it's when you don't understand yourself.
9. Arrow goes forward only after pulling in the backward. Bullet goes forward only after pressing the trigger backward. Every human being well get happy only after facing the difficulties in their life path... So do not afraid to face you difficulties. They will push you forward .
10. Remember you are born to live. Don't live because you are born!
Don't go the way life takes you... Take life the way you go!!
11. What we are today is result of our own past actions;
Whatever we wish to be in future depends on our present actions;
Decide how you have to act now. We are responsible for what we are, whatever we wish ourselves to be, We have the power to make ourselves.
12. Those who anger you, control you. Let it go.
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