Free Laugh - Thoughts from Men...

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Free Laugh - You Had to Ask...

WIFE: "If I died would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With hurtful look)

HUSBAND: (loud groan)

WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

Free Laugh - PMS - need I say more?

Everyone knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Free Laugh - Set Them Free

If you love someone, set them free.
If they return to you, then they will be yours for all of eternity.
If they do not return, then it was never meant to be.

(alternate version)
If you love someone set them free.
If they don't come back - hunt them down and shoot them.

Free Laugh - Who Wears the Pants

Mike was getting married so his father said, "On my wedding night I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try these on.'"She said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."So on his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to his bride, "Here try these on."She said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Don't ever forget that."Then his bride took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here you try on mine."Seeing how small they were he said, "I can't get into your pants."She said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Free Laugh - How to Get Rid of Blind Dates

• Guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone who reaches for it.
• Repeat every third third word you say say.
• Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
• Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
• Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
• Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
• Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
• Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
• Ask your date how much money they have with them.
• Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
• Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
• Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, etc.
• Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate.
• Go to the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Explain that they just need airing out.
• If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
• Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
• Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. Then insist that he taste a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

Free Laugh - Men Are Like...

... Blenders.You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars.Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee.The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials.You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers.Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers.Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Curling Irons.They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
... Government Bonds.They take way too long to mature.
... Horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Parking Spots.The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
... Popcorn.They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Weather.Nothing can be done to change either one of them.