Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Funny Advertisements Part 1
Who would have thought Santa would have put down the pipe for a Lucky Strike?
Free Laugh - Our Future Leaders
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
Roman Emperor (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
Roman Emperor (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Free Laugh - What Every Father Says to His Kids at Some Point
Use your head—that’s why it’s on your shoulders.A little dirt never hurt anyone.
Money doesn’t grow on trees.
Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Do what you love, and do it well.
I’m not asleep. I’m just resting my eyes.
We aren’t lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
The road to Hell was paved with good intentions.
Ask your mother.
Believe in yourself.
Silence is golden.
Get your elbows off the table.
I’m not just talking to hear my own voice.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
I don’t care what everyone’s father is allowing . . .
You’re always a winner if you lose with a smile.
You can’t believe everything you hear or read.
Keep your eye on the prize.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
Turn off the lights. We don’t own stock in electricity.
You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
It never hurts to ask.
Got your nose!
Keep on plugging!
When I was your age . . .
No, we are not there yet!
Don’t do as I do; do as I say.
Blood is thicker than water.
What goes around comes around.
Happy Father's Day in Heaven Dad! I miss you! Love, Maureen
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Free Laugh - Two Cannibals
The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The reply, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny
ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, Ha!" the second cannibal replies, "No wonder--those are fryers!"
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The reply, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny
ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, Ha!" the second cannibal replies, "No wonder--those are fryers!"
Friday, April 16, 2010
Free Laugh - Kids Version of the Bible
Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
6. moses led the jews to the red sea ! Where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
7. the egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments
8. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.
9. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
10. Moses died before he ever reached
11. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
12. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
13. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
14. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.
15. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.
16. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.
17.
18. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
19. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
20. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
21. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
22. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
23.
24. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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