Listen to Stay Calm, Dad Now
A 5-year-old talks on the phone with 911 while her dad is having difficultly breathing. Don't leave too soon. This little girl is not only smart, but very funny.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
The Alcohol Lecture
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thoughts for the Day - Courtsey of Rodney Dangerfield
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
On a Budget? Serve Roadkill for Thanksgiving
With turkey prices at an all-time high this year, you may want to seriously consider serving another type of meat at your Thanksgiving dinner -- roadkill -- since it's fresh, fast and free.
According to Midwest hunter Buck Peterson, author of "The Original Roadkill Cookbook" (Ten Speed Press) and other humorous outdoor parodies, the most efficient way to do Thanksgiving on the cheap is to serve your guests freshly hit and roasted roadkill instead of a traditional turkey.
"This time of year is perfect for nabbing a deer on the road. The rut is on, and bucks are only thinking about romance, so they're being much more careless about crossing busy roads to get to the does," Peterson told AOL News. "In these next three weeks, there are very high chances for fresh meat straight off the road."
Peterson said the odds of hitting fresh roadkill are good because so many people are traveling by car to reach their holiday destinations.
"You don't want to show up to Grandma's house empty-handed," he reasoned. "That's just rude. Show up with some deer meat, and everyone will love you."
The sensible outdoorsman may not be reaching too far off the beaten path.
In fact, according to the annual Thanksgiving travel survey recently released by AAA, holiday travel between this Wednesday through Sunday is expected to increase by 11.4 percent from last year.
AAA expects 42.2 million people will travel at least 50 miles to reach their Thanksgiving destination, and trips by car remain the most popular, with 39.7 million people driving.
By Peterson's logic, that's a whole lot of chances to hit a deer, so he suggested packing extra tools, including something to scrape the deer off the road with and a rope to tie it to the car, just in case.
If you're lucky enough to score some free roadside protein, Peterson said preparing it will be a breeze.
"You don't need much to make deer meat taste good. Just roasting or grilling it with a little kosher salt, ground pepper, garlic salt and butter should be enough. You'll get some great-tasting steaks that way," he explained.
Since Peterson doesn't like to waste a single ounce of roadkill, he said the parts that aren't edible could come in handy as Christmas gifts.
"You can turn the hide into a pair of nice gloves. It's like killing two birds with one stone."
Now, if you're not too keen on scraping your Thanksgiving dinner off the pavement, Peterson recommended hunting your own wild turkey instead of spending money on one at the market.
The hunting expert said bagging a bird requires extreme patience, but it can be done.
"You need to call around and find out where the turkeys are first so you don't waste your time. The best turkey hunting happens in the spring, but you can still find one out there in the fall, especially early in the morning," he said.
After they find the prime location, Peterson suggests that turkey hunters deck themselves out in camouflage from head to toe, because wild gobblers have impeccable vision.
"They can't smell you, but they can see your every movement. Hide yourself by putting leaves on your feet and camouflage paint on your face. If you're face to face with a turkey, don't even blink, because it'll see your eyes move and it'll bolt right away. If you want the bird, stay as still as possible. Don't even scratch an itch," Peterson explained.
He also advised using a turkey mouth call to lure in a tom, which Peterson described as a "squeaky, high-pitched yelp that drives them wild."
Though he's a huge fan of bagging bucks, the hunter admitted there's nothing more gratifying than shooting your own Thanksgiving gobbler. Peterson believes the bird even tastes better knowing you killed it yourself.
"There's something very cool about scoring a wild turkey and bringing it home to your family. It makes you feel like a real pilgrim, minus the funny hat," said Peterson. "Plus, you can really build up the hunting story to make it sound more heroic than it actually was, to impress your family."
Because wild turkeys feed on only natural grains, Peterson said their meat tastes much more tender and juicy than a regular store-bought turkey.
"The breast is light meat, the legs are dark meat and the skin is delicious. If you smoke a wild turkey it comes out really good."
Again, Peterson may really be on to something.
According to Brent Lawrence of the National Wild Turkey Federation, many Americans hunt their own wild turkeys for Thanksgiving.
Lawrence told AOL News that in 2008 there were 649,507 fall turkey hunters in the U.S., and close to 3 million in the spring. He said the current wild turkey population is at a high of 7 million, so people can hunt without worry because each state manages its own turkey population.
Additionally, hunting your own turkey will help your wallet, since turkey prices are at a record high. Bloomberg reports that the cost of turkey this year is at $1.09 per pound, the highest price ever, because store-bought turkey production is down.
On top of that, the American Farm Bureau Federation reports that the average cost of a full Thanksgiving dinner this year is $43.47 -- up 1.3 percent from last year.
If you're not buying a bird, you can save around $18.
And, taking a page from Peterson's book, non-edible parts of the turkey can be used creatively. Peterson likes to make fly-fishing lures for his buddies out of the colorful feathers and often gives them away as holiday gifts.
The National Wild Turkey Federation runs a Feather Distribution Project where hunters can donate their plucked and cleaned turkey feathers to Native American tribes across the nation, which use them for their religious ceremonies.
SOURCE
According to Midwest hunter Buck Peterson, author of "The Original Roadkill Cookbook" (Ten Speed Press) and other humorous outdoor parodies, the most efficient way to do Thanksgiving on the cheap is to serve your guests freshly hit and roasted roadkill instead of a traditional turkey.
"This time of year is perfect for nabbing a deer on the road. The rut is on, and bucks are only thinking about romance, so they're being much more careless about crossing busy roads to get to the does," Peterson told AOL News. "In these next three weeks, there are very high chances for fresh meat straight off the road."
"You don't want to show up to Grandma's house empty-handed," he reasoned. "That's just rude. Show up with some deer meat, and everyone will love you."
The sensible outdoorsman may not be reaching too far off the beaten path.
In fact, according to the annual Thanksgiving travel survey recently released by AAA, holiday travel between this Wednesday through Sunday is expected to increase by 11.4 percent from last year.
AAA expects 42.2 million people will travel at least 50 miles to reach their Thanksgiving destination, and trips by car remain the most popular, with 39.7 million people driving.
By Peterson's logic, that's a whole lot of chances to hit a deer, so he suggested packing extra tools, including something to scrape the deer off the road with and a rope to tie it to the car, just in case.
If you're lucky enough to score some free roadside protein, Peterson said preparing it will be a breeze.
"You don't need much to make deer meat taste good. Just roasting or grilling it with a little kosher salt, ground pepper, garlic salt and butter should be enough. You'll get some great-tasting steaks that way," he explained.
Since Peterson doesn't like to waste a single ounce of roadkill, he said the parts that aren't edible could come in handy as Christmas gifts.
"You can turn the hide into a pair of nice gloves. It's like killing two birds with one stone."
Now, if you're not too keen on scraping your Thanksgiving dinner off the pavement, Peterson recommended hunting your own wild turkey instead of spending money on one at the market.
The hunting expert said bagging a bird requires extreme patience, but it can be done.
After they find the prime location, Peterson suggests that turkey hunters deck themselves out in camouflage from head to toe, because wild gobblers have impeccable vision.
"They can't smell you, but they can see your every movement. Hide yourself by putting leaves on your feet and camouflage paint on your face. If you're face to face with a turkey, don't even blink, because it'll see your eyes move and it'll bolt right away. If you want the bird, stay as still as possible. Don't even scratch an itch," Peterson explained.
He also advised using a turkey mouth call to lure in a tom, which Peterson described as a "squeaky, high-pitched yelp that drives them wild."
Though he's a huge fan of bagging bucks, the hunter admitted there's nothing more gratifying than shooting your own Thanksgiving gobbler. Peterson believes the bird even tastes better knowing you killed it yourself.
"There's something very cool about scoring a wild turkey and bringing it home to your family. It makes you feel like a real pilgrim, minus the funny hat," said Peterson. "Plus, you can really build up the hunting story to make it sound more heroic than it actually was, to impress your family."
Because wild turkeys feed on only natural grains, Peterson said their meat tastes much more tender and juicy than a regular store-bought turkey.
"The breast is light meat, the legs are dark meat and the skin is delicious. If you smoke a wild turkey it comes out really good."
Again, Peterson may really be on to something.
According to Brent Lawrence of the National Wild Turkey Federation, many Americans hunt their own wild turkeys for Thanksgiving.
Lawrence told AOL News that in 2008 there were 649,507 fall turkey hunters in the U.S., and close to 3 million in the spring. He said the current wild turkey population is at a high of 7 million, so people can hunt without worry because each state manages its own turkey population.
Additionally, hunting your own turkey will help your wallet, since turkey prices are at a record high. Bloomberg reports that the cost of turkey this year is at $1.09 per pound, the highest price ever, because store-bought turkey production is down.
On top of that, the American Farm Bureau Federation reports that the average cost of a full Thanksgiving dinner this year is $43.47 -- up 1.3 percent from last year.
If you're not buying a bird, you can save around $18.
And, taking a page from Peterson's book, non-edible parts of the turkey can be used creatively. Peterson likes to make fly-fishing lures for his buddies out of the colorful feathers and often gives them away as holiday gifts.
The National Wild Turkey Federation runs a Feather Distribution Project where hunters can donate their plucked and cleaned turkey feathers to Native American tribes across the nation, which use them for their religious ceremonies.
SOURCE
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Free Laugh - The Meaning of Dreams
After she woke up, a woman told her husband,"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled... "The Meaning of Dreams"
Monday, October 4, 2010
Thoughts for the Day
If you can start the day without caffeine,If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog...........
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Free Laugh - Laugh of the Day...
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS plaque on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm, or could he?
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "in 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
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