You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when: none repeat scroll
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy none in your bag, and you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask, and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or...." And can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the Neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Free Laugh - My life as a dog...
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't play with it or eat it,
Pee on it and walk away!
If you can't play with it or eat it,
Pee on it and walk away!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Free Laugh - I wouldn't have believed it, unless I saw it myself...
Let's just say we won't be ordering a cake from this place again...
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Free Laugh - What did you say?
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Free Laugh - Help For Single and Spineless Guys
If you're like some men (and I know you are), you probably date quite a bit, and also you find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of the dating process. After a second or perhaps third date that didn't go at all well, the closest you'll ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." Of course, we have no intention of calling her and we may even feel a slight twinge of guilt. But I have discovered a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now. E-mail.
That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?
I have drafted the enclosed E-mail rejection letter and invite you to use it the next time you need to put your main squeeze on waivers. The text of the letter follows. Hope it comes in handy.
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.
___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.
___ The fact that you attended the University of Miami and/or root for the Miami Hurricanes demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
___ As a practice I do not normally discriminate against single mothers, and although I understand the youngster was named for her father, I do not think "Sturgis, South Dakota" is an appropriate name for a little girl.
___ Your revelation that you, a 30-year-old, had dated your previous boyfriend, an alcoholic, for 16 years raised some serious questions about your mental state.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
Your Name (Optional)
That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?
I have drafted the enclosed E-mail rejection letter and invite you to use it the next time you need to put your main squeeze on waivers. The text of the letter follows. Hope it comes in handy.
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.
___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.
___ The fact that you attended the University of Miami and/or root for the Miami Hurricanes demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
___ As a practice I do not normally discriminate against single mothers, and although I understand the youngster was named for her father, I do not think "Sturgis, South Dakota" is an appropriate name for a little girl.
___ Your revelation that you, a 30-year-old, had dated your previous boyfriend, an alcoholic, for 16 years raised some serious questions about your mental state.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
Your Name (Optional)
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